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Apr. 22nd, 2008

Hi all!
I'm in PDX still, working at an afterschool program located in a low income community called Gresham on the outskirts of PDX teaching about bugs and instructing a field day class (didn't you know, I'm secretly a jock? ;) and teaching a storytelling class inwhich I totally fag out and the kids love it! I aint making much money there, as it is the only teaching gig I could get that wasnt working with preschoolers and was the right price (I refuse to whore myself out for anything less than $10 an hour) so I'm cleaning houses and doing erotic massage on the side. I actually got offered a teaching job that had better hours and pay, working within the same after school program, but it was at a school in a well-to-do neighborhood and I had already fallen in love with the kids where I was in Gresham, the community, my coworkers, but the main reason I didn't take the other job is because, when I left college, I promised myself that in my teaching coureer, as it unfolds, I was not going to take the easy road, that I was going to be faced with decisions (due to the nature of the present system) where I had to choose between working with the kids who need me and taking jobs with more prestige, more money, and less "hard work," and when faced with that choice, I would not choose the one that benefitted me the most, but take the road that held the most benefit for those with the greatest need for my services. I mean, I am a service bottom, and in my service to my Sir I make those kinds of decisions on a daily basis. It's all about conviction, I guess.

Speaking of my Sir, things are great there. He's terrifying and he pushes my boundaries in all the best of ways, though sometimes it can be really really challenging. He doesn't really do warm up, and doesn't really do after care. He lets me sit at his boots after a scene, curl up around them, or I'll squirm under his boots and he'll use me as a foot rest. Occasionally he'll stroke the hair at the base of my neck with his bare hand, but that's really the most he touches me. In fact, the most body contact we have ever had is when he rides me home, beaten and bloody, on the back of his restored old Triumph. Some might balk at this, accompanied with the strict protocol that is involved our scenes --I'm not allowed to look him in the eye, not allowed to speak unless spoken to, and if I require his attention I must rest my cheek on the toe of his boot, he also gave me a vile of cologne, so I have to smell a certain way as well! :) -- but the truth is, I totally get off on the consent play and the struggle to live up to this very demanding Sir's expectations, to be trained, to take the pain that he doles out with extreme cruelty and sadism of the most real type. I wouldn't take it all, wouldn't give up my will in this way, especially to the pain he inflicts on me, if I did not know, without a shadow of a daubt, that he absolutely respects me, my safe word, my desires. We have a check-in at a coffee shop every 6 scenes to talk about what's good/not good and he has a journal that he has me write or draw in at the end of every scene we have ever done, so if something wasn't quite right or hard or anything at all, he knows for next time. He grows his own vegetables and makes his own soymilk, eats vegan, built half his house himself, restored his own bike, and has a huge amount of land, so i'm doing a ton of yard work for him, which is something this city kid has never done before. I like learning new skills, being tested in new ways. I like challenges.

I have a little girl, who the other night revealed that she loved me. I told her I loved her too. We've only been dating a little over 4 months, so it was a little soon for me, but the feelings are true. She's beatiful and bratty and very kind and generous and not a princess (thanks the f'n lord). I miss my little girl that I had back on the east coast terraibly, so it was hard for me to start back up again as Daddy, and it wasn't something I was expecting to happen, but this new girl just brings it out in me and she is just so damned HOT!

I have also been seeing this older transbear, belly, beard, boots, great ink, huge cock, super stoic and down to earth and a stoner. It's just sex and great conversation, though I might want more if he didn't only get involved with femmes romantically, not boys. sigh. He and his best friend own land and a ranch together waaaaay out in the woods on the coast and I was just there. There are hourses and cows and a spring that i all theirs, as well as 1500 feet of a river that has great fishing in it for steelheads. It was paradise and now I want to start saving for my own land! I'm getting my tax refund in a bit and perhaps I'll put the money away in a CD or something! Who knows. First I have to focus on getting a summer job!

hey yall! Just FYI

Hi all who might look @ my journal. I'm sure you've figured out by now, but I don't really post public anymore. If you would like to hear about my kinky sex life and occasional rants, by all means send me a re: to this post, but don't just friend me, cuz if I can't tell who you are, then I wont add you. Don't be shy, just say HI!
be well
Sean the Bug


Dear eveyone. I hate it when you call me little. I hate it when you look at my wrists or my hands or my body and exclaim about how extra teeny-tiny I am. I hate it when you tell me I look like a doll, or an elf or a teenager. There are a very few folk whom I indulge in their use of diminutive nicknames for me. They are people extremely close to me, who I love and trust. But all you other folks, never call me Wee-man, little man, kid, peter pan, cute, adorable, pocket person, midgit, dwarf, sprite, any of that shit. I'm so fucking sick of it. I'm so sick of you brining to my attention what I already know: that I'll never be able to be a "real" man in the eyes of most folks in this country, that I'll never be able to fit in with the dude-bros (not like I have the huge desire to, but I admit sometimes I just don't want to be a freak. Sometimes I just want to disappear into the croud)...but it's not even the fitting in, I feel like men and women listen to me less, or with less seriousness, because I look like a kid, even if I am their age. that I will always get carded and always be a little less strong and less able to reach things and be percieved as less...little. I have been making up for it all my life, with my "big" personality, and I try to take it all in stride and have a sense of humor about it, but I am juts done with it right now. I don't want to laugh it off. I want to scream at you. I want to tell you that you are being disrespectfull. I want to have heightening lifts put in my shoes. I want to dance eye to eye with a girl, dip her, twirl her, look dapper.
*"you" is not you the reader, it is the flight attendants on the airline and the gaggle of idiot girls working the ticketing dept at Northwest, and the femmes who laughed at me at the bar the other week, the bears who made fun of me, and everyone who danes to point out the fact that I don't measure up. Fuck all of "you." You are just rude.

Calling all Portland Kinky Queers!!!

Jan 26nd: A play party for ftm's, mtf's, and queers of all flavors!
The party is located in a private dungeon space in NE Portland.
This will be a show and tell/skill share and play party!
We are asking that everyone bring some kind of pot luck item. Many of us are vegetarians.
The party will be booze free and dm's will be on hand.
The space is both blood sport and wax/fire friendly ;-)

The space is an unfinished basement with several beams for suspension bondage, a school themed area, tire swing, chairs for bondage and boots, and a futon mat for wrestling and other fun. We may also have a St. Andrews cross and sling by the event.
beginning at around 8 pm
this is a safe sane consensual place for people to have fun... want to share a skill? let us know! Fire play instructional and demo will most likely be taking place, so show up on the earlier side to take part in all the sharing fun and mingling with your awesome community! And stay for the party!

Rsvp is mandatory. contact me for more information.


an open letter

Dear Broken People,

I am so sorry that you are sick/damaged/sad/angry/lost. Really I am. My heart goes out to you. I am writing to inform you that though I have been doing a lot of this lately, I not taking any new applicants for love and care taking of the broken and severely damaged. I am no longer taking in lost puppies or saving anyone or putting up with anyones bullshit just because they may be fucked up. I have the right to assert myself and my reality and to protect my sanity. I have the right to give while preserving some of myself. I have the right to demand respect and to voice my upset at injustices committed against me. I have the right to have my own emotions. There are a great many people that I am lavishing attention on at present, some broken, some sick, some sad, and they deserve my full attention right now. Because they deserve it. Because they've earned it. Because they've held me up when I have fallen once or twice.
The gate is now closed
Elvis has left the building

I've reached the end of my rope. Help?

So today I went to the passport office with every piece of fucking ID I could obtain. I was told by the nice guy working that I needed photo ID. I told him I didn't have any and I could not obtain a state ID without a photo ID either. He said that I should bring in witnesses willing to say that I am who I say I am, but that even then my application could be rejected by the powers that be. My photo looks so different from my name and sex that I think that even if they would normally except that they would not in my case. I am so upset and scared right now. This changes everything for me.
Long story short
Who would be willing to go with me to the passport office tomorrow to say that I am who I say I am. They close @ 4:30 and I'm getting out of work around 2 or 3. Perhaps I could meet you there. Please?
There must be folks out there who loose their IDs. I don't understand why this is so hard.

a change in the weather

so I've been having an amazing couple of weeks. Lots of playing, fun dates, adventures, sleeping outside under the stars, dancing, sexin, conversation, a good past 2 weeks @ work, but all of a sudden, just before I'm about to leave, things go haywire. In the past 4 days, my cellphone crapped out on me, and then this morning I lost my passport. This is a big fucking deal, because it was my only form of ID. Now I can't go out, can't use my credit card, cant travel. I have no fucking ID. And I checked on the DOL website for what I needed in order to get a wash state ID and I don't have the documentation. For one, I don't have another photo ID. 2, I don't have utilities bills cuz I'm subletting, and all my mail except for letters has been fwded from my MA addy. The only things I do have are my health insurance card, my birth cirtificate and a photocoppy of my passport. According to the website, I need about 4 more peices of documentation. I don't know what to fucking do. I feel like screaming and crying. I was going to do my legal name change next week, but now I can't because I don't have the id for it. I am so mad at myself I could spit. I put my passpost in my back pocket as usual, but I put it OVER y hanky instead of under, and it totally fell out somewhere. I spent all goshdarn day retracing my steps and looking absolutely everywhere, all to no avail.
What the fuck am I going to do now?

stolen from a hottie

Tootsie Roll Pop

It only takes three licks to get to your center!

recipe for complete brain atrophee:

Mix 1 part jacking off for 2 hours
Watching Season 2 of Germany's Next Top Model.

yes. it's true.

I cant seem too...flech, big words hard...can't from...lipgloss...guttentag...it feels like I've eaten too much fuzzy icecream

celtic horoscope

You Are A Chestnut Tree

You are a born diplomat with a well developed sense of justice.
And even though you're impressive and intimidating, you're also fun to be around.
You can be irritated easily, and you sometimes act superior.
Nevertheless, you are sensitive of others feelings and very loyal.
Sometimes you feel misunderstood and are fiercely close to those who know you best.